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[21 Dec 2004|08:44pm] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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yea so i feel like shit right about now and i wish there was something to do....i wish i could somehow prove to him that i still love him and that he should love me too...i wish i could somehow explain to him that i cant stand being in fights with him and i cant stand when he doesnt talk to me....and how today at the mall, everytime elisa was saying something---all i could think about was "where's john?"..."why is he angry with me?"..."what can i do?"..."i hope he still loves me?"......
and the whole car ride home, i was crying...and yea i did it again, but you dont understand why...and you being angry with me doesnt help the situation....
i love you and i always will...talk to me...i need you more than ever right now to talk to me and tell me that everything will be ok....you cant even comprehend how much i love you.....
anyway ive turned out the lights except for the christmas lights and im laying in my bed waiting for him to call...hoping, praying, wondering if he will call?.....im also listening to the new guster cd that lea gave me, which was very nice of her to do.....and i actually really like it...its perfect for the mood im in...i dig it....
anyway if there were any more ways of how i could have screwed up more, i'll probably do them later tonight if he calls me...but why would he?...im just a burden, a problem with excess baggage.....
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[20 Dec 2004|10:26pm] |
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mood |
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why does this happen? how can you be with the most perfect guy and tell him youre going out to lunch with your friend whom you havent talked to in a while...and then he flips out???!!!! what the fuck? i cant take this...it seriously makes me depressed until he calls me or talks to me about it.....im seriously really upset right now and cant stop the tears....i dont know what to do....i love him and i love everything about him, but why does he do this to me? does he like to see me like this? does he enjoy making me feel like this? WHY?!?!?!?! i need to go find an eraser
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[20 Dec 2004|11:26am] |
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mood |
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 hot |
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as much as i hate to do it...i can relate....
"Nobody's Home"
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
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| are you ready, because this is a trip?..yea its totally tripping me out.... |
[20 Dec 2004|10:46am] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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so sunday.....
1. i wake up and start updating my journal (the last entry) and then my mom comes upstairs to hang out with me, blake, and cooper....and she starts laughing at blake because he got his wisdom teeth pulled out and shes all "(laughing histerically) i cant look at you, go away"..."im a horrible mother (still laughing histerically)"....haha that was funny
2. then i see her looking at my neck and i think great! and then she goes "jackie you might want to borrow my white turtleneck to wear to work (laughing again)....shes awesome!
3. i go to work until 2:30 because i wanted to come home and didnt want to stay until 7:30....
4. then i come home and talk to my grams for a while....shes a riot, i love her! and then john calls me at around 4:30 to hang out because he was practicing driving for his new car, which i have to admit is definitely sexy...
5. and then i go over there and john and i watch a few movies (dumb and dumber and night at the roxbury) and then we eat...
6. i love his grandma....(talking about ice-skating) "now thats a show! with a little music"...shes so cute! and then a little bit later jenny's friends came over who lets just say, they arent too good looking...and then we eat cake and afterwards, its just john, his grandma, and me are in the living room...and john tries to do a handshake with me and goes "grandma will you have a can shake with me?" (he meant to say handshake...) and i make fun of him and then his grandma is smiling and goes "john whats a can shake?" and john and i start laughing histerically...and she keeps going "ohhh i know what that is, ya know back in my day the women who did that were put in prison"...hahahahaha
7. and then john was angry with me so i decided to leave so i go downstairs and then johns mom goes "hes calling you, is everything ok?" and i go "yea hes just mad at me"...so then his dad tells him to come downstairs "is he crazy?, no i mean it, what the hell is wrong with him?" that was funny.....and then i say "oh the christmas tree looks nice"...and the grandma goes "jackie youre adorable, can i take you home with me? i can fit you right into my back pocket, you'd probably fit....if youre parents ever want to put you up for adoption, i would certainly take you...we could play dolls"....i love her!!!
8. and then john and i talk about everything and he said a few things that i wont ever forget and they made me cry because it made me realize how much more i love him everyday.....and he got me to laugh and so we go back in and my mom wanted me to come home at 10...which was fucking lame!!!! and i got in trouble because i came home at 10:10....what the fuck ever.....i hate my fucking step dad, hes such a bastard.....
anyway today is monday and its john's real birthday, so im going to try and get the present again and get a few other things....yea so im going to go get ready and eat and run my errands....i love you john and i cant wait until tonight, because it will be an awesome birthday! even if i am the only one coming, ill make it awesome!
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| everything is perfect |
[19 Dec 2004|09:18am] |
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mood |
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 in love with john |
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ok so lets talk about the past three days.......
thursday-
1. i go to school (well i went to second and fourth, which were awesome)
2. then for lunch: me, john, kelsey, and leone go out to chili's.....and baylin wanted to go but it was the whole issue of all of us not wanting to deal with the whole money thing...seeing as how we didnt even have enough money ourselves....haha....
3. then i go to john's house for the remainder of sixth period and we just hung out....
4. then he drove me back to school so i could talk to my teacher...but i went there and my teacher wasnt even there! so i called her and emailed her (but i didnt get an email back until friday, while i was taking the test!)
5. i didnt do anything after school because i was waiting for my mom to come home and study for my bio test which was 100 points and i think i did really well!
6. i call dwayne because i wanted to invite him to john's dinner party.....but he didnt pick up so i just left a message...and then i called john to talk to him and tell him that i just called dwayne...
7. THEN dwayne calls john while im on the phone with him so i tell him to call me back after...
8. john calls me back about 2 minutes later flipping out and bawling and he sounded like he couldnt breathe....and i didnt know what to do or say because dwayne was in the hospital and was rushed into the emergency room earlier that day! so we hang up so he can call other people....and i start crying because i didnt know what to do or say, and i felt so horrible and i hope i never have to see or hear john in that state of mind ever again....because it was so sad.....then i go to bed after a few more talks with john.....oh yea and then i got my period....my fucking little friend....
friday-
1. i go to school-yes every single class- and then right after school, i meet mandee and we walk to devin's car....and then drive straight to the hospital to see dwayne and meet up with john....
2. everyone goes separate ways, because dwanye was checked out...me and john go to rubio's and then drive to dwayne's to hang out with him....and then kim needs a ride home because shes a dumbass and depends on john to take care of her...YOURE NOT DATING HIM YOU STUPID FUCK!....anyway so we drive her back all the way home....and then me and john run my errands and hang out with him for a long time....
3. then we go to elisa's birthday party for a little bit...which was fun except that guy made fun of the cute barbie i got her!
4. me and john drive home except we got lost...oh yea and earlier in the day i finally did what he wanted me to...and only john and lea know what im talking about...and maybe scott if he thinks about it...yay for me!
saturday-
1. so i wake up and start getting ready...curling my hair (ringlets- which took me 2 and a half hours) and such....and then mandee came over at 12 to drop off her food that she slaved over all morning...
2. then i drive around town trying to get john his bday present but they were out...and then i drive to work and try to talk to beth about my check...
3. i get bored and play backgammon and then i go out and buy cake mix for john and other things like cookies and soda...
4. then i get bored again, because i want it to be 6 already so i can see john!
5. finally i start making the cake and the potstickers...and then heather comes right when i finish the potstickers...
6. then we talk and i have everything layed out on the counter (chips, cookies, soda, guac, salsa, taquitos, potstickers and their sauce, taco shells, beef, beans, rajas, tomato and onions.....yea mandee and i worked real hard...believe me)
7. mandee rings the doorbell with john and devin blindfolded....and that was cute....johns all "yea i can hear jackie trying not to laugh"...."oh i can smell them" (referring to the potstickers)...i love him, hes so adorable...and so then we sit down and eat.......
........ok side note---im listening to ice ice baby by vanilla ice..... "if you got a problem yo i'll solve it, check out the hook while my dj revolves it"....."word to ya motha".....hahaha i dig it!
8. and i just want to add that i absolutely love that heather wears this "sexy" shirt just for john and she completely stares at us the entire night...yea bitch hes mine! hahaha i loved the feeling of finally me not being jealous and definitely seeing it in this girl...and then i talk to john later that night, and he goes "yea i did the most best thing in my life when i left the bitch for you"....and then he went on about how much he loves me and how perfect for each other we are.....so that was nice, because i definitely agree!!!
9. anyway, then devin was amazed that i made the potstickers and his boston cream pie and the taquitos....and after we ate, i brought out the cakes and we ate some of those (i made a boston cream pie for john and then mandee bought devin a dutch apple pie...their favorites)
10. then we just sat around for a bit and john and i kinda wanted to go back to his house so he goes "ok...."....and then devin got the hint and goes "so are departing ways?"...and john goes "yea im kinda tired"...i love you john....youre the best!
10. so john gives me a piggy back ride outside to walk them all out to their cars.....
11. then we clean up and go upstairs and john picks out another bra for me to wear because i was wearing a sports bra and according to john "that just wont do, now will it?" lol...
12. i change it but i had a few problems...haha and then we go to his house and hung out except i did the things again that i referred to before...and then i had to go home...oh yea and i love johns dad..."oh the boston cream pie was awesome, now you know what to make me when it comes around to my birthday"
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| awesome |
[16 Dec 2004|08:02am] |
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mood |
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so i changed my cds this morning and realized that i love the who...theyre awesome and i love their cd that i have...ok so good stuff, yesterday me and john went to his house for fifth period and things were going good until i told him not to take my bra off and he did...i could care less that he did, but the fact that i said no and he still did...then i got mad and slapped his arm (really hard, i can admit)...then he got all mad and said that he didnt ever want to do anything with me again....and then he stormed off....which made me cry and i locked myself in the bathroom for a while....then he came up and asked if i was ok and to come out and talk to him about everything....so i came out and i was being a bitch, but that was a pretty mean thing to say....so anyway then after a while, hes all "well since this isnt going anywhere lets just call it quits then" "are you fucking kidding me?" and then i ran downstairs and didnt have anywhere to go and i was trying to get away from him yelling at me, so i ran into the garage....keep in mind that at this point im bawling.....and then he comes in and he yells for a while and then i calm wayyy down to the point of me trying to get it so that he wont want to break up with me anymore (because i love him and would be devastated if he broke up with me), and then i try and calm him down....it kinda works but not really because he was still upset....but we go back upstairs and he wouldnt kiss me but i finally got one or three out of him...and then we went back to school, so i could drive my brother home.....
but yea so then after school he was going to come over for dinner and so he calls me and tells me to go outside....so i go out there and he brought me roses and the card for them was a guy in the doghouse.....i thought it was super cute! yay! but yea so everything is good now....and today im going to his house again for only an hour this time and im kinda nervous but oh well...nothing to be nervous about because i love him and he loves me....so im pumped! alright well i better start doing my math.....OH YEA i forgot a few things! it was cute because we were playing backgammon and i rolled double sixes after totally killing him and then he just flipped over the game board...it was cute and we laughed for like 5 minutes straight! which is a pretty long time to laugh! yea and then we went outside because i was doing one of my ceramics projects and out of my extra clay, he made me a jellyfish that im going to try and get fired! its cute, it has his nose and his eyebrows! alright im done gloating about my wonderful boyfriend whom i love and adore...although i could go on and on....
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[14 Dec 2004|08:33am] |
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mood |
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today is a 2-4-6 day, which are my favorite....yea so yesterday i got to hang out with john almost all day, which was awesome...because im not allowed to on school days...i loved it! we definitely had an awesome time! haha yeaaa so anyway im blushing now and completely excited for this weekend....first on friday im buying elisa a birthday barbie and then hanging out with john and then going to her birthday party! and then on saturday its johns party that me and mandee are throwing for him and devin....yea so he wants a birthday "surprise" present...which i want to give him, but im nervous and i have to tell him my whole little speech that i havent given him yet on something tha the wants to do...anyway im out....peace
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[10 Dec 2004|08:58am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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today im talking to kim with john, although i feel bad because john just thinks there will be drama. now i thought about it and realized that with this girl, there will always be drama. im glad though because what i got the most from talking to ashley was as follows:
me: well not only am i thinking about you and talking to john, there is another girl that is in love with him and she keeps trying to be with him and talk to him all the time...and it always makes me feel like shit.
ashley: who?
me: this girl kim
ashley: ohhhh kimber....yes i went down the kimber road as well....
so basically its not me, and this happened to ashley as well...and she dated him for pretty much two years, so know i know that its not me....and that made me feel a lot better...although i still feel like shit every single time she calls...and then i feel really down about myself and dont really feel like talking...and then john gets upset because im sad and then he gets angry because i wont talk....he says that he wants me to tell him how i feel and tell him whats going on in my head, but its the same thing everytime...and there are just times when i dont want to talk, its nothing personal....but you know? there are times when i just want to look out the window and reflect... and there are times when i just want to look out the window and try to get my mind off things... i do it quite frequently and there are just times when i need to...so basically i dont really know what to do about this whole kim thing....i honestly wish i could just shake her and tell her how much i love john and how much we care for each other (which is a great deal) and then have her look shocked and say "wow i get it"...then turn around and walk away and never look back on the situation....i mean i wish that everything with mine and johns relationship could be perfect and could be a fairytale, but thats not life and almost nothing goes perfectly....i mean yea granted me and john are perfect for each other, but that doesnt mean that we wont run into some problems here or there....i dont know, im preaching to the wrong crowd, trying to have tea at the wrong time.....alright well on a lighter note im hanging out with john this weekend alot! which is nice because last weekend we didnt really get to, so im pumped! i just need some quality time on the sac with my beautiful boyfriend by my side...(like i know he will always be)...and now i feel like im dreaming...anyway im out.....
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| aint no place id rather be..only place thats right forme..chromed out mansion in paradise..inthe sky |
[08 Dec 2004|06:53pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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so i have been doing perfectly awesome this week...everything is going so well...so i love my plato class more and more everyday because i just do...but so today i was moved because me and alisa fishman always talk way too much in that class...well we mostly look at prom dresses and talk to mike and john...(her mike, and my john....just in case) so yea i was moved next to this weirdo who tries to talk to me and looks up really nice jewelry and asks me if i like it? what? are you kidding me? ANYWAY, so i was moved to a computer that doesnt work so i literally spent an hour and a half trying to fix the cord a certain way and move the whole huge desk and then unscrewing and rescrewing things back into outlets...it was so much fun and it utterly fascinated me! so im pumped because i found this awesome store called cache....and im getting a prom dress there!!!!! they are BEAUTIFUL!!!!! and today i was showing mr. farris all the dresses i want because he was wondering about the evolution of fashion, so i had to tell him of course!
then i got to go to child development, which was sooo exciting because i learned this speckled frogs song and i cant get it out of my head!!! still, and its been what? at least 5-7 hours.....yea but i love all my little buddies....theyre cute and make me feel super special.....
yea so john has a surprise for me on saturday? so im pumped! i love him and the fact that he is or was downloading "jungle love"...one of my favorite songs!!!! ahhh couldnt be anymore perfect!!!!
OHHH YEA!!!! and leone is seriously awesome!!!!!!! i cant wait to get an apartment with her and elisa and we're thinking about lizzy too? but yea and john will be with me and then leone will have james!!! oh yea and baylin can visit...lol...that was cute leone! anway i cant wait to graduate! i cant to finally be on my own! it'll be nice! oh yea and i talked to my dad for an hour today and then after i called john for an hour...but yea so me and john are going on a road trip to everywhere! and our last stop is las vegas!!!! how fucking awesome, is what youre saying to yourself...and believe me, it will be!!!!! i cant wait!!! alright well im going now...
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| a little on the bitchy side |
[06 Dec 2004|08:09am] |
ok so this morning i woke up at 7:10...not good because i usually get up at six and leave at 7:10...so yea and then i haul my ass to school so i get there on time....anyway alright lea here's the deal.....YOU ARE A BITCH! everything i said in my journal happened...so its not like im exaggerating and trying to make you look bad.....
1) i wrote that whole journal entry so that you would try to understand how much people do for you and how nice people are to you...and then you dont give them anything in return...not that i want anything from you, but some manners might be nice.....you dont even acknowledge how nice people can be to you and how much shit that people have done for you (including me).....and i hate to be condescending because we all know that its usually you trying to belittle everyone, but "in the real world" people dont give a shit about you or your problems...which once again, people do because they are just being nice....
2) ok i have a boyfriend now, which means i want to spend as much time with him as i can....if you dont like that then you can shove it up your ass, because thats the way its gonna be.....
3)me saying that "its not like john called us and asked us if we wanted to hang out"...was not to be taken literally...but yet again you missed the entire point because you were trying to defend yourself which i didnt ask you or want you to do.....ok heres another thing i dont think you understand....im dating john, youre not....just because youre my "friend" and im dating him, doesnt mean that you get to randomly call him up and talk to him...yea he bailed on you, do you think there might be a reason? you dont fit into the equation...me and john does not equal you.....
4)ok....you have never been a good friend to me...you ALWAYS talk about yourself, even when i do have drama, its all about you...so dont pull that shit with me "oh its 50% shit" tahts fucking bullshit.....you can ask anyone.... um ok andi love how you say i could have interrupted you and said something...yea um hi you were pissed off and annoyed by the fact that i was "flirting" with the little boy....
5)you know what? how CAN i be a friend to you when all you do is copy things i do or say or wear....???? youre not my friend, youre like my younger fucking sister who imitates everything i do.....yet the whole point to what you do is youre trying to be different and interesting, because then maybe by some fucking chance some guy in the world might like you??? well sorry to inform you, being exactly like me doesnt get you shit, in fact it just gives you less than what you had before!!!!
6) ok when you asked if you could help...it was a "ill help if i really have to but i really dont want to get up and actually help you....ok me and john give each other shit all the time because we are both mean to our parents, and me not saying about that all night, he was doing pretty good...most kids have jokes with their parents and i know you dont, but they were just joking around....and yea i did ignore you when you were leaving for a reason!!!! i didnt want you there nor did i ever!!!! john didnt either, we were just being nice...(yet another time when i was trying to make sure you were entertained and acted like you dont ever treat me like shit...i acted as if we were friends lea)....yea his parents were trying to be nice to you too as you were leaving....the whole point of me staying upstairs was that maybe you would get the hint and leave, but you didnt....
7) ok YOU HAVE CHANGED MORE THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY KNOW!!!!!! so dont tell me that it must be me, because its definitely not! ive been the same person, but you know what? now im finally listening to everyone and realizing that i dont need you and that i can have other friends that dont treat me like shit and make me feel dumb and belittle me every chance they get...im starting to realize that you dont help me, you just tear me down even more....im finally starting to realize that i dont need you, you need me (because then you wouldnt have anyone to copy off of right?)so yes its sudden for you because i havent been able to directly come right out and tell you how i feel because i didnt want to hurt your feelings...but fuck it, if this hurts your feelings, then so be it...i feel much better telling you how i feel, then staying friends with you and carrying on with all this weight that i have to deal with......
8)by the way, i can have a normal conversation without talking about john, believe me im not like you.....but when im talking to john because we actually were having a quarrel, that doesnt mean that im going to pay attention to you because youre hungry....oh and we didnt mainly talk about me and john fake fighting because that lasted maybe 5 to 10 minutes tops! to tell you the truth, i dont know why you were there? if you were really bored being there, then why didnt you leave? and if you saw that maybe me and john wanted to be alone, then you should have left, because that was your cue!!! ok lea i didnt invite you, you asked if you could come....and i said it was ok because i didnt want to be mean or else you would have flipped out on me and i didnt want to deal with you.....hi, me and john ARE A FUCKING COUPLE!!!! we will ALWAYS do couple things!!!! i wasnt mad at you until you responded and i talked about it with john, because i didnt want you to respond, but you missed the whole point of my entry!! i was saying it, so maybe you would get a clue as to how you treat everyone like they fucking owe you something.....oh and p.s. i didnt just suddenly think you were a self-centered bitch, ive always thought that.....
on a lighter note, i love that amber read my last entry and was happy that i mentioned her!!!! shes so cute, anyway....last night i was promoted to a baller!!!! yea thats right im officially a straight up baller now!!!!
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| and i think to myself...what a wonderful world..... |
[05 Dec 2004|08:12am] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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i love brother iz's version of somewhere over the rainbow, because he mixes in what a wonderful world...except that is the only song on the cd i really love...there are some that i like but that one is by far the best....anyway so since i havent written in a while, i will sum up the weekend...ok on friday, john retook a test and then he called me and i came over...which was fun for a while because we were cuddling and joking around and stuff...and since ive been gone, this was the first time we really got to hang out....but anyway so lea calls and wants to come over, so she does, but you can tell that she doesnt really want us to be ourselves...which is cuddily and cute and kissing and how lea puts it "fake fighting"....anyway so lea gets hungry, so we go to chili's, which was good because we got there before all the rush and everything....so we eat and lea talks about adam and ric the whole time except she couldnt keep telling the story because i was smiling and laughing, basically flirting, with this little two year old....dont ask why she couldnt, she probably thought i was being rude....anway, so then we go back to his house and lea is really bored so jon lists all of his dvd's and then he goes and gets one for her, after he fluffs the love sac for literally 20 minutes for her....so then we start watching the mummy returns...and then she wants us to fast forward through the previews, so we look for the remote...."PLEASE!!!!" "ok sorry but he's looking for the remote lea" this was literally after maybe two seconds...anway so then we're watching it, except while we watch movies, me and john like to cuddle and kiss for a while....so as we are (whispering and being extremely quiet,keep in mind) so then lea yells at us for being too loud....what the hell? so we watch the end of the movie, but oh in the middle lea threatens us that if we arent quiet then she's gonna leave.....um ok......but i feel like dont be such a bitch if 1) its not even your house, 2) you asked if you could hang out with me and john...its not like john asked if he could hand out with us....so maybe you should be alittle bit more nice to me and john?, 3) dont hang out with people and only talk about yourself...i mean i guess that is why she was hanging out with us, so that she could tell us about her life with adam...but maybe ask us what we have been up to or try to get us more interested...i mean as much as i was, its hard to listen to someone talk about themselves for so long....4) maybe try some manners? johns mom and john did all of these things for her and i didnt hear one thank you....one of my biggest pet peeves....5) the world doesnt revolve around her and for some reason she seems to think so...? i dont know how she got to be that way, but its hard to be so nice to someone when all you do is make sure they have what they want or need and then get no appreciation for it? im not trying to be mean, im just stating the facts...it is extremely hard to be friends with someone like that.....but yea so we watch the end and im really tired, so i stay upstairs on the bed while john walks lea out...except that she stays for about half an hour talking to his parents...while im up there, my momma calls and says that we should just leave and go to the rechie's house...because they all want to meet john, so we wait and then after lea goes we go over there...which was fun because i got to do cartwheels and feel better about everything...and it was really fun because it was freezing outside, oh and we got some really good cookies and stuff....they were really good....anyway, so then i drive him home and it was really cute because we talked about how its really funny that i can move him anyway while we kiss...it was cute...and he couldnt get out of my car because he kept kissing me...ok so thats friday...
so then on saturday he comes to pick me up at 7:30 because we had to take the sat's....and then after we have this women barb takes us for a test drive in this awesome bmwer that john might get....which was fun except for the fact that the whole time,i was afraid for my life....anyway so then we meet his parents at the pancake house...and i saw maria and daria because they work there and that was cool...they both got haircuts that look really cute on them! they look extremely cute...so we eat and then john takes me back to my house so that i can clean and do my chores...so i do and then after we put my clothes away, we look at a magazine....so then john leaves so that he can pick up his friend's gun, for today because he was going to try out for a paintball team...so yea then he comes back and he tells me how he almost died about 5 times....and i seriously almost cried because i honestly would have been devastated! i love him so much and honestly couldnt imagine being without him!!! so we lay on my couch for a while as i make him listen to some songs....and then we go to a paintball store down the street and go back to house so that we can pick up his sister, who i think is really pretty and reminds me of amber euse.....but yea so then i sit in the car for a bit with john's grandma who i absolutley love..she is so cute and i just love her...and talk about everything she has been going through lately....and then everyone gets in the car and we go to the airport and meet his uncles there...some more of his family that i just love!!!and we go to this cute little (very little) italian restaurant....and i felt horrible because i must seem like the pickiest eater because i dont eat fish and then im lactose intolerant, so i cant have cheese or anything.....ah well, so while everyone else is finishing, me and john go outside for some fresh air, so we walk a little bit down the street and sit in front of this store....we probably looked like bums, but oh well, cute bums...so we walk back and drive home...and me and john fall asleep on each other, which was nice....
but yea this catches us up on today....nothing has happened...i just wish i could get some alone time with my wonderful boyfirend that i love so much...anyway sorry for such a long one, but i had a lot to get out...
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| huh? |
[01 Dec 2004|07:38pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
so much shit has been going on lately....i have been stressed about everything....i keep thinking about everything that is going on right now...i mean i have one thing going good, one thing is alright for me... i love that john will bring me potstickers because i just break down crying after work...i love him...but why do these dumb bitches have to try and take him away from me....DONT!!!! he is the only that is perfect right now, its like the only thing that wont go wrong for me....and i dont know what to do? just everything...school? family? life? what am i doing here? can i make it through? right now everything is so shady and just dont think i can deal sometimes!!!! i wish i could tell him that this isnt the first time i erased my hand....the first time was because i wanted to see how bad it hurt but the second time was because i was smacked around by my step father.....he doesnt know that i have a history of hatred for my step dad....he doesnt understand that i erased for a third time because i felt worthless in the midst of being in love with him...that can happen.....you can be in love and have shit all around you going wrong right? right? i mean maybe i just watched too many movies where the person is in love and then nothing wrong could happen to them because of how they feel???? i hate hollywood because it doesnt depict my life....so self centered, but arent we all?
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[20 Nov 2004|11:24pm] |
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mood |
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in love with cramps |
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ok so lately i have had the worst cough of my life and this morning i was woken up at 1:30 and coughed for about an hour straight....then finally at 2:30 i was like "ok fuck it im up"....so then i got ready to go to work at 6....keep in mind this was THIS MORNING!!!!! then i go to work until 10, which actually wasnt too bad! i had a fun time! i fucking love wendy...she cracks me up!!!! one of the funniest people i know....so yea then i went to johns house and it was nice to just lie there and him tell me that he cant move unless he gets a millions kisses....so adorable....then i go home after a few kisses and a few hugs, and then i have to get ready to go to my cousin's house for an early thanksgiving dinner...which was alright except for the fact that my uterus needed to be removed! yea so my aunt gave me a heating pad and my cousin gave me mass medicine and i sat upstairs listening to tom petty and fell asleep while everyone else was playing games and having fun! yea i was upstairs with the worst cramps of my life! yay me high five! anyway i love me and john just sitting in the love sac just kissing over and over and over....its lovely! i love him so much!!!!! alright im off to hit the sac.....peace
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| you gotta fight for your right to PAAAARRRRRTAAYYYY |
[17 Nov 2004|09:30pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
] |
im in love.....literally in love with him....i honestly dont want anything more from life....NOTHING....with every other guy ive ever been with, its "oh that boy is cute over there" or "i wish he could be more likehim"....not with john....i love everything about him!!!!!literally!!!!! i sometimes dont even believe that this could be happening to me???? i mean how could something in my life be so perfect??? oh well, i wont give him up because i love him
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| i have the best life...wait.....no i dont...who am i kidding? |
[13 Nov 2004|10:17am] |
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mood |
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 giggly |
] |
ok so maybe my life is pretty good RIGHT NOW....i have an awesome boyfriend named jonathon david donadio.....to tell you the truth, i am happy....but i come home and still erase....? what the hell is wrong? maybe the therapist is a good idea??? yesm i think so.....why am i listening to the backstreet boys? can someone please answer me? skin me some of that skat cat....lol anyway.....im bored except tha totday is a fun filled jam packed day....i have to take a shower and then my boyfriend will call me to tell me that he won his soccer game, then he is coming over so we can do our homework....then im going to his house and color coordinating his closet, then im picking something out for him to wear....after that if it is before 5, we are going to just hang out....at 5 we are going to teach a bible study for 3-5 yr. olds....we will leave at 7 and meet elisa and lizzy at the macbeth play....then if we have time before i have to be home, we will go eat dinner....yay...i love having john in my life, he's perfect for me and i love having him as my boyfriend and not just my friend!!!!! well im happy and glad i have him in my life....well i better be going and think about my perfect boyfriend some more...lol i have to get ready....peace
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| fuck what i said |
[08 Nov 2004|03:46pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
] |
im tired of people pretending to be something theyre not!!!!! it really urkes me and i dont care if i just spelled urkes wrong...because i could give a fuck less...you bug me more than you know and i cant stand you at times....why the fuck do i even talk to you....why are you here, and what do you do??? why do feel the need to be this fake person who you arent....ive known you long before all of this shit and you still continue to be something youre not.....get over your fucking self and be real...you say you are and you try to argue your way out of this shit....but its just not happening and im not falling for your stupid fucking pity acts any longer....you bug the fucking shit out of me and i just had to get that out....so excuse me for venting!!!!!!!!!!!
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[05 Nov 2004|11:03pm] |
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mood |
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 jubilant |
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everytime i hang out with john, i like him more and more....hes an awesome guy, truly awesome....id like it if other people would stop fucking with that....yea so today john got to witness how jealous of a person i am, and he thinks its cute...yippee, glad someone does... john is perfect for me and he just said the same thing to me.....wow nothing could be better....and ya know? steven was here for a few days and it doesnt phase me in the least to see him go without even talking to him...lyndsay hit the nail on the head when she said that there is obviously something special about john because hes all i care about right now....tonight was a lot of fun with him and devin....theyre pretty funny and i had a great time.... we sat next to some really funny guys....one was from boston and i dug the accent...anway im tired and im thinking about watching music videos for a while...so, later
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| huh? |
[01 Nov 2004|03:57pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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so ive decided that i want to look like gwen stefani, especially in her new video "what you waitin for?" because the video is all based on alice in wonderland and that is my favorite thing in the whole world. anywho....so i hung out with john a lot lately and ive decided that hes awesome...hes a great guy who is funny and can almost always make me laugh. he and i have quite a bit in common, which i like because we love the same cake and foods and there were other things too, but they arent coming to mind at the moment?....i also like the fact that we can joke or talk about anything, actually the other day i couldnt tell him that i like him and he basically guessed it and kinda made it a little easier. also, john seems like he actually cares about me, which not too many people do....so its nice to have someone constantly asking me if im alright, or comfy, or if i need some water or something. we drove to one of my favorite beaches yesterday and just walked on the beach and looked at houses and we liked the same things and just stood there for like at least 15 minutes and just stared at these houses. id like to introduce john to classic rock, because he knows a little bit, but not too much....and we cant have that.....i love his parents, they are very funny, especially his mother...shes wicked cute....anyway i think it would be nice to date someone like john and i would love to have a boyfriend who really cares about me...because im not looking for a highschool, show off who are dating, type of relationship....im looking for a long, committing, REAL relationship...this also means that i dont just want a physical relationship, which some guys *CAMERON* seem only to want from me.....anway im done....youve read enough...peace 'n
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[29 Oct 2004|10:47pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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so i have a lot to say......first let me start off with last night and today as a whole......last night i called cameron because lets face it, i still like him, ok "love" him.... so i call him and we really talk, which was unexpected because he opens up to me, but we usually dont talk about "us"....a long story and i dont feel like informing....so anyway my phone was being a pain in the ass, but so we say things that im really glad they were said....yea so he insinuates certain things like "yea so im kinda looking for a girlfriend right about now" ----ok so does that mean me? then we decide to go out to lunch, so today im talked into wearing a skirt!!!!! yikers! me in a skirt...just call me casper, honestly who spilled the milk? ok.....so i go out to lunch and it was the first time we have gone out to lunch and havent fought, which made me think maybe he really will change for me? because we had a long discussion about the things we want in the both of us to change...which if you think about it, its kind of ridiculous....we cant ask each other to change just because we want the perfect person...dana once told me that you cant love a person if you love them because......i love that saying and it holds true! ok so then i talk to cameron about my weekend plans and he seems kind of jealous of the fact that im hanging out with john and not him? so i go out to eat with john at panda and that was fun and then we went to party city....which was fun as well.....then we go to his house and we rented "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" because he had never seen it, so i made him watch it...and now he loves it! of course, because im perfect...kidding! anyway so i had a really good time because i like john andi know that out of everyone, john will treat me better than anyone else....because john is a great guy and i love that randomly he will look at me and ask me if im ok? or if i need anything? how sweet! but thats john....why is he so nice to me? why does he treat me so well? it would be so much easier if he was an ass, like the rest of them! but he isnt and i dont know what to do....? i was going to talk to him about it, but i decided against that....i was going to tell him that i really do like him and that i do want to date him.... but wait hold the phone...last night cameron kinda insinuated that he wanted to date again, and really care about cameron and wouldnt mind dating him again....i do think its worth the pain and all the heartbreak...wow that sounded really cliche.....oh well who the fuck cares? i sure dont...anyway i feel like sleeping or just lying on one of the most two comfortable places i have ever been....-----> 1) camerons bed...possible the most comfortable bed i have ever been on!!!!!.......2)johns love sac...yea i know i know that sounds really bad....but its a really nice differnt kind of bean bag, and its 6 ft long! its really comfortable......either way i like them both, i love both of their parents....combined it would be the most perfect man ever! i cant give either one of them up, because its a difference between loving cameron and the way me and cameron "connect"...and then the way me and john laugh and have a great time....theres a definite "connection" between me and him too....i dont know, call me dumb......
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